Breaking Dawn 2 - Major Spoilers, no kidding

On Friday I saw Breaking Dawn, Pt. 2 (the final Twilight movie!) with some girl friends.  We got to the theatre/bar early so we could properly prepare for the experience.  This movie was totally bonkers, y'all.    I'm going to drop some crazy-town spoilers, so seriously don't read this if you are going to see the movie.  I mean, if you're slightly interested, invite your best gal pals and go Friday night, I guarantee you're going to have fun.

So, if you remember the previous movie, Bella has just given birth to a half-vampire baby and been turned into a vampire herself.  So, at the beginning of this one, Bella's a vampire, and she and Edward are really happy, so they go running in the woods and eat some wild animals.

Vampires wear false lashes. Proof.

And then they're like, oh yeah, we have a kid, so they go back to the house and look at the kid (apparently for the first time?) and, I'm not kidding you, it's the ugliest baby you'll ever see.  For some reason, they CGI'd the baby, and it was creepy as hell.  It was some dangerous uncanny valley territory  yo.  That might be where our audience started going pretty nutso. We had an awesome audience of approx. half tweens and half thirtys.  We were all very vocal.  Like when Bella first sees Jacob, he's like, "I didn't expect you to look so... you."  

And our audience was like, WE DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE WEARING A SHIRT, BEEOTCH!

Anyway, then it's like, the bad vampires are going to come and kill all the good vampires for having a vampire baby.  So, they prepare for this big fight and invite a bunch of other vampires to come over.  Including these racist caricatures.  Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?  Come on, that's not cool.  I did really like this actress with bangs, though.  She looked a lot like Tyra Banks and seemed to be smizing the whole time.  

Also, the Pie Man gets invited.  And he makes a very handsome vampire.  So there's that.  No one seems more amused by Lee Pace's presence in Breaking Dawn 2 than Lee Pace.  

Here's what I recall from the book, which, I admit, I liberally skimmed, literally unable to actually READ it word for word.  The bad vampires show up, and they're like, We're gunna KILL you. And the Cullens are like, Well, look, the child is actually pretty nice. And they're like, Yeah, she is. Ok, our bad.  See you later. Bai.  But, what happens in the movie is that they DO fight.

And straight off the bat, a couple of major characters get killed. Like, first, Edward's dad or whatever gets his HEAD. RIPPED. OFF (!!!!!) by the super-bad-vampire-guy. And... I'm not kidding you, our entire theatre just completely EXPLODED.  Everyone was screaming and going just totes cray cray. And then some more people get killed, like a couple of wolves and even uh.. that other vampire, I can't remember his name.  And people are losing their SHIT.  It. Was. Awesome.   And this one guy? For some reason? Like Matrix-style punches his fist into the ground and makes a big crater with lava in the bottom and everything? And people and wolves start falling into the lava and stuff and the crowd was going CRAZY.  

And I'm like, Well, this here is GREAT because they took Stephanie Meyer's lame-ass milquetoast ending and really DID something with it! Until, all of a sudden, What's that JR? The whole thing was just a goddamn vision.  And then the Cullens are like, Yeah, that's what will happen if you go to war with us, and then the bad-vampires are like, Yeah, that would suck, ok bai.  And they take off.  And everyone's like, "WHHHHAAAAAAATTT????"   I look down at my friend G and she yells, "Didn't anyone here read the BOOK?!"  

And then everyone lives happily ever after, including - YUCK! - Jacob and the (don't even get me started on this girl's name) child-bride Renesmee (really?).  

Yeah, that's not weird.

The End.

Breaking Dawn movie review

I saw Breaking Dawn (part 1) with a couple of girl friends. "Ladies," I said before the movie, "We need to get drunk."  I was expecting a big crowd but our opening-night theatre wasn't even full.  We sat next to a woman with a gaggle of tweens.  She was amused by neither her daughter and her friends, nor me and my half-drunk friends.  Poor woman.  

After previews for the new Mission Impossible movie, followed by that Snow White movie (the Charlize Theron, not the crappy-looking Julia Roberts one), and the Hunger Games we were pretty excited.  I'm not kidding you, that Hunger Games trailer is THRILLING.   Then, Breaking Dawn started, and, I have to hand it them, presumably without irony Jacob tears off his shirt in the first ten seconds.  We all laughed.  We laughed through most of the movie which is, yes, completely ridiculous.  If you ask me, there are two reasons to watch this movie (spoilers coming): 1. Bella and Edward finally have sex (after getting married, natch) and 2. Bella gives birth to a vampire baby.  I think they could have gone a LOT further with both, but, it was fun to watch on the big screen. 

Me and my pals spent a lot of time talking about what an effed up person Stephanie Meyers is - in this book, her character fulfills this bizarre lady-child fantasy - to marry a guy who looks like he's 18 but is emotionally mature (sort of); to look 18 yourself for ETERNITY; to have a baby but pregnancy only lasts 1 month; instead of gaining weight, you loose it to the point of dangerous emaciation; and, after you have the baby (another spoiler) you don't even have to raise it because it rapidly grows to (you guessed it) an emotionally mature 18 years old in the space of a couple months.

Dan Kois wrote a hilarious review of Breaking Dawn in the Village Voice.  Although, even though he just eviserates the movie, he also acknowledges that he actually TEARED UP during the wedding scene when one of the corniest exchanges of the entire movie takes place.  Bella says, "Don't let me fall." and her dad says, "Never."  Really?

Other ridiculous lines from the movie include, but are not limited to:

You'll kill her!

"You'll kill her!" shouted by Jacob re: honeymoon sex between vampire and human, wherein Edward might presumably loose control in mutual virginity-loosing with his soul mate and kill her for some reason.  Instead he just completely destroys their marital bed and gives her a few bruises. 


"It's destroying you from the inside!" Warns Edward to Bella re: rapidly growing fetus.

"If you kill her, you kill me!" Jacob again, after being "imprinted" on their baby.  My friends, who haven't actually read any of the books but are just good sports, each turned to me in the theatre: "What's imprinting!!?!?!"  But, it's too idiotic to explain.

See: Angel, season 1

Maybe this comes from watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer for all those years, but to me, the silliest thing about this franchise is how the vampires, particularly Edward, dress.  There's a line in one of the books that goes something like, "There's nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis." (Again, I point to the bizarreness of Stephanie Meyers) and for some strange reason, each movie has been going with this whole Vampire-As-Lands-End-Model thing.  In a honeymoon scene, he's even wearing Sperry Topsiders, for chrissake!  Look, I mean, vampires wear leather and distressed designer denim.  Everyone knows that. 

Sperrys

 

But, back to that teary-eyed reviewer from the Village Voice... despite this clumsily told story, Meyers did manage to stumble upon some universal truths that many of us find appealing/touching, despite ourselves.  After the movie, my friend said sometimes pregnancy does feel like that - that you're being overwhelmed by an alien being inside you.  Would I like to be 18 forever, beautiful and thin, with perfect skin and hair, for eternity, with nothing to do but watch my stock portfolio increase over the centuries and hang out with my husband in his Sperry Topsiders?  Sure I would. 

Why would they bite there?

A few days ago I posted about a vampire-bite necklace - and now look at this!

Actually, this seller is kind of creeping me out. 

the hair isn't quite right

His hair is a lot spiker than that... but... otherwise...

$22????

 What?!  Why?

O.M.G.

 Will. You. Look. At. This?

AHHHH! HAHAHA!

via

Ouch

haha - this necklace is hilarious.

Why am I covered in feathers?

 This crafter made a couple of quilts inspired by Edward and Bella's honeymoon to "Esme Island" - an island owned by the Cullens where they can sparkle all they want to and knock their houses down while they're knocking boots *groan*

Actually, the feather quilt looks quite nicely made, so.... I hate to make fun...

it's more fun with matching shirts

Here are the tshirts I made for the movie!
(My preggo friend's shirt says "No Imprinting", which makes sense if you've read the books and the other says "Team Cedric"). We got a couple of thumbs up from other movie-goers, which totally made my day. My review is in the previous post.

Eclipse

After an impossibly long build-up, I saw Eclipse last night with 3 girlfriends - we spend the obligatory amount of time in the adjacent bar to properly compare (those of us who weren't pregnant, that is). My reaction to the movie: a heavily biased, slightly tipsy It was fun! The audience was really into it and we all had a lot of laughs.

Which is not to say that the movie incredibly sexist and slightly ridiculous (my friend who hadn't read the books or seen the previous movies kept leaning over to ask questions like, "Now, do any of these other people know they are all werewolves and vampires?") What was interesting is that in this movie/book, Bella wants to be turned into a vampire so she can live for eternity with her bf, and he's not so excited about that because he thinks her soul will be destroyed. So, he says he'll make her a vampire, but only if they get married. Because he's old-fashioned like that. Also, he doesn't want to have sex until they get married. Bella says, in a remarkable moment of clarity, "Getting married, at my age, means you just got knocked up." Bella's like, How about we have sex now, when I'm a human?* Anywho, I love that they acknowledge that girls wanna have sex just as much as dudes do. Edward claims, aside from not wanting to have sex outside of marriage, that it's too dangerous. "Why's it dangerous?" my friend whispers. "Because he's afraid he'll lose control and bone her to death," I whisper back. We howl.

What's gross and skeevy is that Edward displays classic abusive relationship attitudes by stalking his own girlfriend, restricting her movements by messing up her car and bossing her around and telling her what to do all the time. Ick. I mean, beyond ick. Also, as per the books, Bella's always being picked up and carried all over the place. You know, it's all well and good if some dashing young man finds a woman ill or injured on the moor and carries her to safety in a Jane Austen novel in the FRIGGING 19TH CENTURY, but it is decidedly NOT COOL to carry a capable young woman around like a two-year-old in this day and age.

The funny thing about Robert Pattinson is he's the first one to claim he's not a good actor. Kristen Stewart is a quite GOOD actor. Even though both are quite open about what complete bores their characters are, Stewart, at least, puts in a very believable performance. I honestly think she has the skill of a young Hepburn or Monroe - she can hold a close-up so well - it's the eyes, I think. Taylor Lautner, who plays the werewolf, and seems to have a contractual obligation not to wear a shirt more than 10% of the movie, looks like he ought to be on the set of Glee. I fully expect to see him there soon. That boy is so pretty and clean-cut. But, I really had to wonder what poor Anna Kendrick (btw, check out this gorg dress she wore to the opening) thinks about this whole thing - surely she's like, "I was nominated for an OSCAR! I'm TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHIT!"

Really excellent soundtrack including a gorgeous song by Florence + The Machine called Heavy in Your Arms. Finding that song was kind of worth the price of admission for me.

If you're a fan, I suspect you've already seen the movie, if you're not, there's absolutely no reason you should go, naturally. Who else saw it? What did you think?

*Apparently Bella has some angst that vampire sex won't be that great. My friend G said there's mild controversy about how a vampire gets an erection because they don't have any blood. Something to do with "magical semen" which is what her t-shirt is going to say next year.

fore-arm warmers

Sometimes when I'm sitting around with cold calves and cold forearms, I reach for my legwarmers, but what about my arms? How can I keep my forearms warm and my hands free, while simultaneously keeping my options open vis-a-vis vampires and werewolves? Oh, that's right - forearm warmers!

I know you guys are probably pretty sad this two-week-extravaganza of Twilight nonsense is drawing to a close. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure we can repeat the whole thing at least once when the final movie(s) come out. And, I'll bring you my review (and my own crrrrrafts) over the weekend. Thanks for indulging me and reading!

Best one yet?

OMG, I guess there's this scene in Eclipse where Edward and Bella and Jacob go camping for some reason? And Bella and Jacob are in a sleeping bag together? I seriously didn't read it, but, uh, my friend told me about it.

And, I don't know what happens, but you can act it out with these dolls! (For $95!)* Personally, I think they're freakball awesome.


*Includes sleeping bag, so it seems like a pretty good deal.

tattoo

tattoo

Don't look back got a new direction

I loved you once needed protection

You're still a part of everything I do

You're on my heart just like a tattoo



Just like a (temporary) tattoo

I'll always have you

I'll always have you

I'll have you for about a day and a half.

You've got questions

If you're just joining us, I've been covering the goofiest Twilight stuff I can find on the internets until the movie opens this week and I go see it myself. See how that works? Ironic-involvement. I poke fun/I jump on bandwagon. It's complicated. I am not proud of myself.

This is perhaps the best page of Yahoo Answers I've ever seen. Question: What kind of food to serve at a teen TWILIGHT party, cheaply?

My fave line? Indeed.

I'll be your what now?

This disturbs me to no end. I can only assume that the person who might dress a child in this means to imply that the child will grow up and "Be your Edward", although, assuming the child is their own, they don't mean a sensual relationship, or, based on the books, even a jealous, stalking, brooding one. Either way, it's pretty weird.

Alternately, they could mean that the child as a baby will "Be your Edward", thereby essentially being what the adult, presumably the mother, is all-consumed by, which is also pretty creepy. Naturally all of this is a sentiment forced upon a unwitting child and may or may not have anything to do with vampires.

Ah, people do weird shit with their kids, all I can do is sit back and poke fun at them.

A question has arisen in comments: "So, you're going to see Eclipse, right? It's like a love/hate relationship?" It's mostly a hate/hate relationship, but for some reason, I can't tear myself away, hence two weeks of solid blogging about Twilight crafts and merchandising. Oh, I'll BE there, alright! With my own craft-tastic spin-offs! Stay tuned!

Twilight Amigurumi

I hate to poke fun at somebody's amigurumi, but will ya get a load of these guys? I think questionable choices were made in terms of Amigurumi Edward's white yarn body and his yellow eyes, but, if you ask me, his hair is not tousled enough! Jacob, of course, is shirtless, which is appropriate. No abs, I notice... The artist is not a Twilight fan and makes dolls based on lots of different movies, comics and pop culture - read more at Deadcraft.com. OMG, look at her Princess Leia!

Team this and that

The most common type of Twilight merchandizing seems to be of the "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" variety. These things are especially moronic because, if you've read the books, which I mostly have, you'll know that it's not really a contest between the two dudes, Edward "completes" Bella, as much as one soulless character can complete another soulless character. To reference a movie no Twi-hard is likely to have ever seen, it's like in Pretty in Pink where Duckie would clearly make the better boyfriend because he totally gets Andie and like, worships her, but, that dummy just goes for the spoiled rich guy who's all concerned about appearances and whatnot.

I've never actually SEEN any Twilight "Team" merchandise being worn in the wild but there's a HUGE amount of it online. Here's only one example which throws in a "Team Bella" just for good measure.



To me, even "Team Jolie" v. "Team Aniston" makes more sense than these Twilight teams, because, I guess you could be like, "Theoretically, I'm 'team Jolie' because you love who you love etc." or "Theoretically, I'm 'team Aniston' because it's just not cool to start dating someone's husband even if you supposedly DO have some insane animal attraction to them or whatever." But, say you're watching Pretty in Pink, and, while you're watching it, you're like, "I'm 'team' Duckie" but, by the time it's over, you're like, Oh, she goes with the rich guy, oh well, I'm going to go make a t-shirt that says "Team Duckie" or go on with my life?

There's also a huge amount of "Team Switzerland" nonsense, which is perhaps an extremely simplified view of foreign policy combined with the concept that someone chooses not to commit to either fiction character Edward or fiction character Jacob but rather to leave their options open, for example, if either fictional character were to somehow become animated and fall for the person in question. The person wearing a "Team Switzerland" button, for example.


PS. It turns out there is some "Team Duckie" shit out there.

Bella's Engagement RingTM

One of the oddest things about the Twilight novels is that Bella wants, more than anything, for Edward to change her into a vampire because she wants to be with him forever, like, literally. And, she gets really depressed on her birthday because he was made a vampire when he was 17 or something, and when she turns 17, she's like, OMG, I'm getting old, I can't stand for my bf to see me all old and disgusting and like, 20 years old. Gag.

So, anyway, he's like, Alright, I'll make you a vampire, but first we have to get married. And then she's like, Ewww. I don't really want to get married. It's so permanent. But he for realsies doesn't want to have sex until they get married, so eventually (spoiler) they get married.

And, naturally, he gives her an engagement ring, and don't you know that YOU can also buy Bella's Engagement RingTM and:

Experience your romance with Edward Cullen in a whole new way when you slip on Bella's Engagement RingTM! You'll love showing off the radiant stones in this elegant, domed-oval, gold ring. In true Victorian-era design, your ring is created by master artisans with an open-work gallery and a finely polished edge that surrounds the brilliant faceted stones. How exciting for you to own the only, Original, Bella's Engagement RingTM in the world! We are pleased to offer this beautiful ring in three versions to suit your style and pocketbook: Fashion, Fine, and Genuine. The three versions have the same stunning appearance; they are just made of different materials. Additionally, we are happy to present this classic ring in two colors, yellow or white gold. The ring that Edward gave to Bella is described as gold, so if you want your ring to be exactly like Bella's, order Yellow Gold; or if you prefer the silver or white-gold look, order White Gold.

Fashion Ring: Price $59.00/Sale Price $35.00

You heard it right, that's a gold-plated ring with 13 "fine Russian CZs" that is somehow also the only, original, Bella's Enagement RingTM in the world. It is widely agreed that this is one of the ugliest rings ever made in human history. Common lore has it that Stephanie Meyer designed it herself, and you know she's got great taste. Congratulations!

silliest cross-stitch project, ever

This is self-proclaimed as the "silliest cross-stitch project, ever" by its maker, who made it to mortify a friend. I have a fondness for smart-ass cross stitch, so I want to make it clear that I'm laughing with this crrrrafter, not at her. There are some funny comments on her blog post about alternate quotes.



And here's another Twilight item of which I fully approve:

These books are really dumb, as I've said many times, but I don't really give a shit if it means a couple of kids (or adults) read a book when they normally wouldn't. It's for sale at the ALA for $16.

This one doesn't even make sense

Why?

I don't get this one, especially the fish. It sort of reminds me of Twilight fan fiction which I have only, ehem, heard about, mind you. Where like, people, mostly teenagers, as far I can tell, from what I have heard, of course, write long, involved stories about Edward and Bella in alternate universes where Edward's not even a vampire but he's like, a merman or something. I certainly, you know, don't know that much about it! The very idea is ridiculous. It's not like I've spent hours reading it or anything. I mean, I've just HEARD about this stuff! STOP STARING AT ME!

My Little Vampire

The continuation of Twilight merchandising will continue until the movie opens next week (or you all beg me to stop because you can't take it anymore!)

But, I think you can take it. I mean, I posted about a LIFE-SIZE Edward silhouette and nobody said boo. Uhm, hello? Now I bring you: Ponys + Edward Cullen = HappyfuntimeexcitementSQEE!