Magnets: How do they work?

By now, you've probably seen both of these, but I am not above posting internet stuff that's weeks old on the off chance my faithful reader might have missed it.

My Birthday Month

Last week I celebrated my birthday - M took me to Everest, where we had a trés fancy meal and an excellent time. It's an elegant restaurant on the 40th floor of the Chicago Stock Exchange building. We had a table right by the window and one of the best meals of my whole life. They treated us like the queen and king of England.

We spent a long weekend at my friend G's family lake house in northern Indiana - always a lovely time. Spent most of the time lounging in the water or the sun while a certain husband occasionally delivered another cocktail. What a life! Friends threw little party for me and I got some very nice presents. Highlights include: G's mom warning us that she had something in a box that was "not alive and didn't smell", pregnant C in a bikini (I love a pregnant lady in a bikini!), somehow not noticing a roomful of decorations for several minutes, a midnight swim with J, walking around under a full moon, and watching an incredible storm on the porch.

Alas, only a few more days to continue celebrating my birthday month, but it has been an exceptionally great month so far.

I write like...

On I Write Like you copy in some text and it tells you who you write like. I copied and pasted some of my blog: George Orwell. Some more blog: David Foster Wallace. An email: Stephen King.

Oh, great, a bunch of dudes! Straightforward writers, not especially elegant, with the exception of Foster Wallace, who writes like a fright train and I find largely unbearable.

It's silly but fun and also infuriating. (I just did it again: Dan Brown. Again: HP Lovecraft. Whhhaaaaat?)

Hotels

I'm at a conference right now, which means staying in a hotel all by my lonesome. Generally, I like to cleave to a certain husband at all possible moments, but do manage to enjoy barricading self in a hotel room and ordering room service and watching television all night. One of my favorite things to do in hotels, besides extreme sloth, is get a bucket of ice from down the hall and drink glass after glass of ice water. Is that weird?

My presentation today went really well. We had such great feedback it almost made me blush.

I picked up Girl that Plays with Fire in the airport and might finish it before I get home. I previously said I wouldn't read more in that series, but my colorist and A. told me this one was all about Lisbeth and I wanted to learn more about that character. That's a couple of solid recos I couldn't turn down. And now I can barely put the book down either. That guy sure could write a page-turner. My hairdresser has delicious taste in books. I was happy to share Lonely Werewolf Girl with her, and when I wore my Twilight tshirt into the salon she walked me around to show everyone.

Oracles

Last weekend we went out to my friend A's family farm in rural IL. Always a lovely time - mostly sitting around on the porch and chatting - very relaxing. We watched the World Cup on Sun., I think the first time several people, including me, had watched a soccer game all the way through. Very interesting. I don't understand why The Netherlands didn't try to score a point at the end when half of the Spanish team literally laid down on the pitch and sobbed. I had read about that Octopus in Germany who'd predicted the winners of the WC, so I blindly believed that Spain would win because the octopus said so, and they did. So.

Do you know what else I blindly believed? A st/ring test. A is preg. and to have a whatchacallit the next day to find out whether the baby was a girl or a boy? So, we did that thing where you tie a string around your wedding ring and dangle it over The Belly. Eventually the ring will either swing round in a circle or back and forth. Anyway: It. Worked. I did it, then she did it, and we both got the same thing, then, I mean, you hardly need to even GO to the doctor for confirmation after results like that, but she DID, and, it was RIGHT. So.

it's more fun with matching shirts

Here are the tshirts I made for the movie!
(My preggo friend's shirt says "No Imprinting", which makes sense if you've read the books and the other says "Team Cedric"). We got a couple of thumbs up from other movie-goers, which totally made my day. My review is in the previous post.

Eclipse

After an impossibly long build-up, I saw Eclipse last night with 3 girlfriends - we spend the obligatory amount of time in the adjacent bar to properly compare (those of us who weren't pregnant, that is). My reaction to the movie: a heavily biased, slightly tipsy It was fun! The audience was really into it and we all had a lot of laughs.

Which is not to say that the movie incredibly sexist and slightly ridiculous (my friend who hadn't read the books or seen the previous movies kept leaning over to ask questions like, "Now, do any of these other people know they are all werewolves and vampires?") What was interesting is that in this movie/book, Bella wants to be turned into a vampire so she can live for eternity with her bf, and he's not so excited about that because he thinks her soul will be destroyed. So, he says he'll make her a vampire, but only if they get married. Because he's old-fashioned like that. Also, he doesn't want to have sex until they get married. Bella says, in a remarkable moment of clarity, "Getting married, at my age, means you just got knocked up." Bella's like, How about we have sex now, when I'm a human?* Anywho, I love that they acknowledge that girls wanna have sex just as much as dudes do. Edward claims, aside from not wanting to have sex outside of marriage, that it's too dangerous. "Why's it dangerous?" my friend whispers. "Because he's afraid he'll lose control and bone her to death," I whisper back. We howl.

What's gross and skeevy is that Edward displays classic abusive relationship attitudes by stalking his own girlfriend, restricting her movements by messing up her car and bossing her around and telling her what to do all the time. Ick. I mean, beyond ick. Also, as per the books, Bella's always being picked up and carried all over the place. You know, it's all well and good if some dashing young man finds a woman ill or injured on the moor and carries her to safety in a Jane Austen novel in the FRIGGING 19TH CENTURY, but it is decidedly NOT COOL to carry a capable young woman around like a two-year-old in this day and age.

The funny thing about Robert Pattinson is he's the first one to claim he's not a good actor. Kristen Stewart is a quite GOOD actor. Even though both are quite open about what complete bores their characters are, Stewart, at least, puts in a very believable performance. I honestly think she has the skill of a young Hepburn or Monroe - she can hold a close-up so well - it's the eyes, I think. Taylor Lautner, who plays the werewolf, and seems to have a contractual obligation not to wear a shirt more than 10% of the movie, looks like he ought to be on the set of Glee. I fully expect to see him there soon. That boy is so pretty and clean-cut. But, I really had to wonder what poor Anna Kendrick (btw, check out this gorg dress she wore to the opening) thinks about this whole thing - surely she's like, "I was nominated for an OSCAR! I'm TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHIT!"

Really excellent soundtrack including a gorgeous song by Florence + The Machine called Heavy in Your Arms. Finding that song was kind of worth the price of admission for me.

If you're a fan, I suspect you've already seen the movie, if you're not, there's absolutely no reason you should go, naturally. Who else saw it? What did you think?

*Apparently Bella has some angst that vampire sex won't be that great. My friend G said there's mild controversy about how a vampire gets an erection because they don't have any blood. Something to do with "magical semen" which is what her t-shirt is going to say next year.

fore-arm warmers

Sometimes when I'm sitting around with cold calves and cold forearms, I reach for my legwarmers, but what about my arms? How can I keep my forearms warm and my hands free, while simultaneously keeping my options open vis-a-vis vampires and werewolves? Oh, that's right - forearm warmers!

I know you guys are probably pretty sad this two-week-extravaganza of Twilight nonsense is drawing to a close. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure we can repeat the whole thing at least once when the final movie(s) come out. And, I'll bring you my review (and my own crrrrrafts) over the weekend. Thanks for indulging me and reading!

Best one yet?

OMG, I guess there's this scene in Eclipse where Edward and Bella and Jacob go camping for some reason? And Bella and Jacob are in a sleeping bag together? I seriously didn't read it, but, uh, my friend told me about it.

And, I don't know what happens, but you can act it out with these dolls! (For $95!)* Personally, I think they're freakball awesome.


*Includes sleeping bag, so it seems like a pretty good deal.

tattoo

tattoo

Don't look back got a new direction

I loved you once needed protection

You're still a part of everything I do

You're on my heart just like a tattoo



Just like a (temporary) tattoo

I'll always have you

I'll always have you

I'll have you for about a day and a half.

You've got questions

If you're just joining us, I've been covering the goofiest Twilight stuff I can find on the internets until the movie opens this week and I go see it myself. See how that works? Ironic-involvement. I poke fun/I jump on bandwagon. It's complicated. I am not proud of myself.

This is perhaps the best page of Yahoo Answers I've ever seen. Question: What kind of food to serve at a teen TWILIGHT party, cheaply?

My fave line? Indeed.

The 10 most baffling "Twilight" products

Salon has posted the The 10 most baffling "Twilight" products and I must admit, they are quite baffling. I feel at once proud that I beat Salon to the game, and also a little pissed that they steal my thunder with an "Edward Loves Cougars" t-shirt that I fully intended to blog about later this week. Otherwise we had no cross-overs, although I was aware of this item and sort of wavering about whether or not to post it for parent-related reasons. (Mom and Dad, do not click on that link, seriously.)

How did I miss this?

I'll be your what now?

This disturbs me to no end. I can only assume that the person who might dress a child in this means to imply that the child will grow up and "Be your Edward", although, assuming the child is their own, they don't mean a sensual relationship, or, based on the books, even a jealous, stalking, brooding one. Either way, it's pretty weird.

Alternately, they could mean that the child as a baby will "Be your Edward", thereby essentially being what the adult, presumably the mother, is all-consumed by, which is also pretty creepy. Naturally all of this is a sentiment forced upon a unwitting child and may or may not have anything to do with vampires.

Ah, people do weird shit with their kids, all I can do is sit back and poke fun at them.

A question has arisen in comments: "So, you're going to see Eclipse, right? It's like a love/hate relationship?" It's mostly a hate/hate relationship, but for some reason, I can't tear myself away, hence two weeks of solid blogging about Twilight crafts and merchandising. Oh, I'll BE there, alright! With my own craft-tastic spin-offs! Stay tuned!

Twilight Amigurumi

I hate to poke fun at somebody's amigurumi, but will ya get a load of these guys? I think questionable choices were made in terms of Amigurumi Edward's white yarn body and his yellow eyes, but, if you ask me, his hair is not tousled enough! Jacob, of course, is shirtless, which is appropriate. No abs, I notice... The artist is not a Twilight fan and makes dolls based on lots of different movies, comics and pop culture - read more at Deadcraft.com. OMG, look at her Princess Leia!

Team this and that

The most common type of Twilight merchandizing seems to be of the "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" variety. These things are especially moronic because, if you've read the books, which I mostly have, you'll know that it's not really a contest between the two dudes, Edward "completes" Bella, as much as one soulless character can complete another soulless character. To reference a movie no Twi-hard is likely to have ever seen, it's like in Pretty in Pink where Duckie would clearly make the better boyfriend because he totally gets Andie and like, worships her, but, that dummy just goes for the spoiled rich guy who's all concerned about appearances and whatnot.

I've never actually SEEN any Twilight "Team" merchandise being worn in the wild but there's a HUGE amount of it online. Here's only one example which throws in a "Team Bella" just for good measure.



To me, even "Team Jolie" v. "Team Aniston" makes more sense than these Twilight teams, because, I guess you could be like, "Theoretically, I'm 'team Jolie' because you love who you love etc." or "Theoretically, I'm 'team Aniston' because it's just not cool to start dating someone's husband even if you supposedly DO have some insane animal attraction to them or whatever." But, say you're watching Pretty in Pink, and, while you're watching it, you're like, "I'm 'team' Duckie" but, by the time it's over, you're like, Oh, she goes with the rich guy, oh well, I'm going to go make a t-shirt that says "Team Duckie" or go on with my life?

There's also a huge amount of "Team Switzerland" nonsense, which is perhaps an extremely simplified view of foreign policy combined with the concept that someone chooses not to commit to either fiction character Edward or fiction character Jacob but rather to leave their options open, for example, if either fictional character were to somehow become animated and fall for the person in question. The person wearing a "Team Switzerland" button, for example.


PS. It turns out there is some "Team Duckie" shit out there.

Bella's Engagement RingTM

One of the oddest things about the Twilight novels is that Bella wants, more than anything, for Edward to change her into a vampire because she wants to be with him forever, like, literally. And, she gets really depressed on her birthday because he was made a vampire when he was 17 or something, and when she turns 17, she's like, OMG, I'm getting old, I can't stand for my bf to see me all old and disgusting and like, 20 years old. Gag.

So, anyway, he's like, Alright, I'll make you a vampire, but first we have to get married. And then she's like, Ewww. I don't really want to get married. It's so permanent. But he for realsies doesn't want to have sex until they get married, so eventually (spoiler) they get married.

And, naturally, he gives her an engagement ring, and don't you know that YOU can also buy Bella's Engagement RingTM and:

Experience your romance with Edward Cullen in a whole new way when you slip on Bella's Engagement RingTM! You'll love showing off the radiant stones in this elegant, domed-oval, gold ring. In true Victorian-era design, your ring is created by master artisans with an open-work gallery and a finely polished edge that surrounds the brilliant faceted stones. How exciting for you to own the only, Original, Bella's Engagement RingTM in the world! We are pleased to offer this beautiful ring in three versions to suit your style and pocketbook: Fashion, Fine, and Genuine. The three versions have the same stunning appearance; they are just made of different materials. Additionally, we are happy to present this classic ring in two colors, yellow or white gold. The ring that Edward gave to Bella is described as gold, so if you want your ring to be exactly like Bella's, order Yellow Gold; or if you prefer the silver or white-gold look, order White Gold.

Fashion Ring: Price $59.00/Sale Price $35.00

You heard it right, that's a gold-plated ring with 13 "fine Russian CZs" that is somehow also the only, original, Bella's Enagement RingTM in the world. It is widely agreed that this is one of the ugliest rings ever made in human history. Common lore has it that Stephanie Meyer designed it herself, and you know she's got great taste. Congratulations!

silliest cross-stitch project, ever

This is self-proclaimed as the "silliest cross-stitch project, ever" by its maker, who made it to mortify a friend. I have a fondness for smart-ass cross stitch, so I want to make it clear that I'm laughing with this crrrrafter, not at her. There are some funny comments on her blog post about alternate quotes.



And here's another Twilight item of which I fully approve:

These books are really dumb, as I've said many times, but I don't really give a shit if it means a couple of kids (or adults) read a book when they normally wouldn't. It's for sale at the ALA for $16.

This one doesn't even make sense

Why?

I don't get this one, especially the fish. It sort of reminds me of Twilight fan fiction which I have only, ehem, heard about, mind you. Where like, people, mostly teenagers, as far I can tell, from what I have heard, of course, write long, involved stories about Edward and Bella in alternate universes where Edward's not even a vampire but he's like, a merman or something. I certainly, you know, don't know that much about it! The very idea is ridiculous. It's not like I've spent hours reading it or anything. I mean, I've just HEARD about this stuff! STOP STARING AT ME!

My Little Vampire

The continuation of Twilight merchandising will continue until the movie opens next week (or you all beg me to stop because you can't take it anymore!)

But, I think you can take it. I mean, I posted about a LIFE-SIZE Edward silhouette and nobody said boo. Uhm, hello? Now I bring you: Ponys + Edward Cullen = HappyfuntimeexcitementSQEE!

I like watching you sleep

One of the most amusing Twilight merchandising items I've ever seen is this life-size, vinyl silhouette of Edward that you're meant to put in your bedroom. Cause, like, in the first book, Edward sneaks into Bella's room and "watches her sleep", unbeknownst to her. Purportedly to make sure she's "safe" (from creepy predators?) or some shit. It is merely one of the many anti-feminist aspects of the book that make me want to pull my hair out.

Well, wait no longer if you desire a creepy, silent, skulking male-figure to leer over you as you sleep! Three things come to mind when I look at this:

1. What happens when you wake up in the middle of the night and forget it's there? Srsly.

2. What sleeping partner would tolerate this?

3. LOVE the carefully disheveled hair!