Way up there

I lost a friend recently.  A friend I actually never met in person but nevertheless had a close kinship with.  For a while we really supported each other's writing through our blogs, back in the early aughts when I updated this blog at least once a week instead of every other year.  We both loved crafting and reading and feminism and music.  We traded favorite songs and favorite books and mailed each other little things we made.  She was generous and funny and an enthusiastic friend.  Looking back through my social media she is always there, making my Facebook memories a landmine of reminders and grief.  She was my Online Friend but she was my Friend. She gave good advice and cut through the bullshit.  I think it's clear she shared at least two of my love languages, "Quality Time" and "Words of Affirmation" and she lavished both of those on my online self - on my self.  She had those qualities I cherish in a friend: Steadfastness. Kindness. Generosity of spirit.

Recently I heard a song and knew she would have loved it.  She loved nearly every song I shared with her as she had a welcoming ear and a joy in discovering new music, the same as me.  The song is French and I didn't understand the lyrics very well.  When I looked them up - it seems like this song could have been written about her.  

Au delà des fourbes apparences Derrières nos loups de circonstance Sous nos masque cousus d'espérance Se cachent les fêlures de l'enfance De l'enfance

Beyond deceitful appearances Behind our occasional wolves Under our masks sewn with hope Hidden are the cracks of childhood From childhood

For about the last few years we haven't been as close. I thought it was mainly because I had stepped back from social media a little bit and perhaps she had too.  Honestly during most of the pandemic I had so much stress and anxiety I couldn't deal with anyone's problems but my own.  I saw her make a few cries for help on Facebook and I disregarded them.  I think of how casually we lived/are living with chaos.  How texts to and from my best friends would go something like "I can't go on like this" and "lol SAME".  When I heard she died alone in a hotel room my heart was pierced not only with the sadness of loss but the thought that I should have reached out and didn't.  I learned that she was going through some devastating personal losses, the kinds I can hardly imagine.  

L'air de rien on n'est pas mal tout là haut On goûte aux étoiles tout là haut On oublie nos certitudes On chérit la solitude A faire une escale tout là haut A nourrir le calme tout là haut On ne joue plus d'artifice On sait pourquoi on existe

Like air, we are not bad up there We taste the stars up there We forget our certainties We cherish loneliness To make a stopover up there To feed the calm up there We no longer play tricks We know why we exist

Although she was taken from us too soon and too terribly, I hope she finds peace tout là haut/"up there", away from the fray of this earth. At least for me, I'll think of her whenever I hear certain songs, and probably every time I look at Facebook.

She died on her birthday, a day, I know, she was flooded with messages on Fb from friends and family. On my birthday, I want to say: I'll miss you, my friend, and I'm so sorry. You were loved.