Sunday, November 18, 2012

Breaking Dawn 2 - Major Spoilers, no kidding

On Friday I saw Breaking Dawn, Pt. 2 (the final Twilight movie!) with some girl friends.  We got to the theatre/bar early so we could properly prepare for the experience.  This movie was totally bonkers, y'all.    I'm going to drop some crazy-town spoilers, so seriously don't read this if you are going to see the movie.  I mean, if you're slightly interested, invite your best gal pals and go Friday night, I guarantee you're going to have fun.

So, if you remember the previous movie, Bella has just given birth to a half-vampire baby and been turned into a vampire herself.  So, at the beginning of this one, Bella's a vampire, and she and Edward are really happy, so they go running in the woods and eat some wild animals.
Vampires wear false lashes. Proof.
And then they're like, oh yeah, we have a kid, so they go back to the house and look at the kid (apparently for the first time?) and, I'm not kidding you, it's the ugliest baby you'll ever see.  For some reason, they CGI'd the baby, and it was creepy as hell.  It was some dangerous uncanny valley territory  yo.  That might be where our audience started going pretty nutso. We had an awesome audience of approx. half tweens and half thirtys.  We were all very vocal.  Like when Bella first sees Jacob, he's like, "I didn't expect you to look so... you."  


Anyway, then it's like, the bad vampires are going to come and kill all the good vampires for having a vampire baby.  So, they prepare for this big fight and invite a bunch of other vampires to come over.  Including these racist caricatures.  Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?  Come on, that's not cool.  I did really like this actress with bangs, though.  She looked a lot like Tyra Banks and seemed to be smizing the whole time.  

Also, the Pie Man gets invited.  And he makes a very handsome vampire.  So there's that.  No one seems more amused by Lee Pace's presence in Breaking Dawn 2 than Lee Pace.  
Here's what I recall from the book, which, I admit, I liberally skimmed, literally unable to actually READ it word for word.  The bad vampires show up, and they're like, We're gunna KILL you. And the Cullens are like, Well, look, the child is actually pretty nice. And they're like, Yeah, she is. Ok, our bad.  See you later. Bai.  But, what happens in the movie is that they DO fight.
And straight off the bat, a couple of major characters get killed. Like, first, Edward's dad or whatever gets his HEAD. RIPPED. OFF (!!!!!) by the super-bad-vampire-guy. And... I'm not kidding you, our entire theatre just completely EXPLODED.  Everyone was screaming and going just totes cray cray. And then some more people get killed, like a couple of wolves and even uh.. that other vampire, I can't remember his name.  And people are losing their SHIT.  It. Was. Awesome.   And this one guy? For some reason? Like Matrix-style punches his fist into the ground and makes a big crater with lava in the bottom and everything? And people and wolves start falling into the lava and stuff and the crowd was going CRAZY.  

And I'm like, Well, this here is GREAT because they took Stephanie Meyer's lame-ass milquetoast ending and really DID something with it! Until, all of a sudden, What's that JR? The whole thing was just a goddamn vision.  And then the Cullens are like, Yeah, that's what will happen if you go to war with us, and then the bad-vampires are like, Yeah, that would suck, ok bai.  And they take off.  And everyone's like, "WHHHHAAAAAAATTT????"   I look down at my friend G and she yells, "Didn't anyone here read the BOOK?!"  

And then everyone lives happily ever after, including - YUCK! - Jacob and the (don't even get me started on this girl's name) child-bride Renesmee (really?).  

Yeah, that's not weird.

The End.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

OMG This is hillarious. Better than actaully seeing the film- which would have been fun with you- and probably no one else!