Friday, December 09, 2005

An Open Letter to Tyra Banks

Tyra, there is only one beautiful but strange girl standing before me. Some of our judges, namely me, think that she is TOO strange to continue to receive our viewership. She's a little mean. And our judges are wondering what's. Up. With. The. Enunciation? We can understand you, you don't have to talk like that. You know how sometimes you tell the outrageous girls that they have TOO much personality and the quiet ones that they don't have ENOUGH personality? Or the short ones that they're too short and the "plus" sized ones that they'll never have enough personality to make up for being a size... 12? Well, WE don't like it when you do that creepy flutter thing with your eyelids when you say "One of you. Will be. Eliminated." Our judges think you need to tone it the eff down. You need to be less. Insect-like. Because you. Scare. Me. TYRA! I have never in my life screamed at a supermodel like I am screaming at you now! Your show used to be cool! And it's like you don't even care! I care! The judges care! So get it together before your next season. Also, get rid of Jay and Miss Jay - they're even more bizarre than you.

3 comments:

Deevan said...

Get rid of Jay Manuel? Miss Jay, sure, but I could watch Jay all day just trying to figure out what ethnicity he is. And why the heck he would choose to wear a trompe l'oiel shirt that makes it appear as if he has breasts? But I think Jay is appropriately supportive and catty. He and Nigel are the only two that don't make me grit my teeth when they speak.

But kudos, really funny post.

PS. Have you been watching previous seasons on VH-1? We did last night.

Mrs. Savage said...

Tyra is what would happen if an infant and a praying mantis got into a futuristic melding device. She scares me too. A lot, but God help me, I love her. I love the way her decisions are so random, and not at all based on the girls' performance (I mean, Nicole? WTF?). I love the over-acting and ridiculous sense of drama they try to manufacture. But most of all, I love the tears. Give them to me girls! Squeeze them out! Oh, I can't wait for cycle 6!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, the randomness is so hilarious. I recall one episode in which she told one girl she didn't have enough personality and the other one that she had too much. Remember when they almost kicked whatshername off for being too short? Hysterical.