Monday, September 10, 2007

Petraeus Report on Kelly's Employment Status

"Members of the blogger community, thank you for the opportunity to address you today. Please keep in mind that my forthcoming comments on the status of Kelly's employment is meant to inform, not drive, her future actions. It is my recommendation that following the recent surge of job applications that a reduction in applications would serve to strengthen her jobless position. I suggest setting a no-later-than date of sometime next year, at which point she will most likely have a job, although that job will most likely be at McDonalds, or, with any luck, a Starbucks. In the meantime, it is my recommendation that we look on the bright side of Kelly's Employment Status, focusing on the vast amounts of high quality television programing she has access to every day. Reports of her extreme loneliness and growing hopelessness have been overly hyped and are, in any event, premature assessments of the situation. The reality is that she has a graduate degree in Art History and if you will turn your attention to the chart, you will see that it is fairly likely that a job will be landed at some point before she dies, based on reports from some people.
It should also be noted that she has had several interviews in the past year and has logged hundreds of volunteer hours at one of the finest art institutions in the counter-job zone. The outward failure of these endeavours indicates that she should rather focus operations on housecleaning, yard maintenance and photo book management, while giving credit to the significant sacrifices of a certain husband. It is also necessary to assess the very real danger of Kelly finding full-time employment whereby feelings of self-worth and added income will only lead to a sense of satisfaction and personal fulfillment. Finally, it should be noted that Kelly's problems will require a long-term effort, with no easy solutions, and everyone should be understanding of her despite her complete and utter failure in this arena. Thank you. No questions."

6 comments:

Kathy said...

oooh---hope its not wrong to be amused at this presentation of your employment status. You're a clever girl---maybe you should direct prospective employers here so they can see just how fabulously bright, witty and current you are...

An employee discount at Starbucks wouldn't really be a bad thing.

Carrie said...

I know you're bummed out these days, but I just know something great is going to happen. I'm just sure you'll publish a book, write book and movie reviews and, of course, work at an art museum. You're too talented for everyone to pass you up.

Kathy said...

By the way, do you have a kick-ass writing sample to leave with prospective employers? I think that's an under-utilized way of presenting one's skills. In particular, I try to prepare writing samples that demonstrate familiarity/expertise with the subject matter to be addressed in prospective position... I've always found a writing sample will capture attention in a way that gives the candidate an advantage---that's as true of my experience as a job candidate as well as the hiring party.

You probably aren't looking for job-search tips. Sorry if this irks you; go right ahead and delete it.

Special K said...

Oh yes, most of the types of jobs I'm applying for require a writing sample. That is by far one of the least annoying job tips I've gotten, no worries, I am not irked. You should hear the AMAZING job tips that come my way like, "Have you tried registering on on a job search site?" Or "Have you looked at the job postings at the museums?!?"

Carrie said...

Who gives you those tips? I have a tip for them...

clterry said...

Well, I hope you don't hate my tip, but I thought maybe you should stop volunteering at the museum, even though I know how much you enjoy it, and then they would realize what an asset you are they would then think we can't live without her(you).

I do think though an employee discount at Starbuck wouldn't be too bad or you could send my kids all of the new and latest crappy toys from McDonalds and I wouldn't ever have to take them there.