tattoo

tattoo

Don't look back got a new direction

I loved you once needed protection

You're still a part of everything I do

You're on my heart just like a tattoo



Just like a (temporary) tattoo

I'll always have you

I'll always have you

I'll have you for about a day and a half.

You've got questions

If you're just joining us, I've been covering the goofiest Twilight stuff I can find on the internets until the movie opens this week and I go see it myself. See how that works? Ironic-involvement. I poke fun/I jump on bandwagon. It's complicated. I am not proud of myself.

This is perhaps the best page of Yahoo Answers I've ever seen. Question: What kind of food to serve at a teen TWILIGHT party, cheaply?

My fave line? Indeed.

The 10 most baffling "Twilight" products

Salon has posted the The 10 most baffling "Twilight" products and I must admit, they are quite baffling. I feel at once proud that I beat Salon to the game, and also a little pissed that they steal my thunder with an "Edward Loves Cougars" t-shirt that I fully intended to blog about later this week. Otherwise we had no cross-overs, although I was aware of this item and sort of wavering about whether or not to post it for parent-related reasons. (Mom and Dad, do not click on that link, seriously.)

How did I miss this?

I'll be your what now?

This disturbs me to no end. I can only assume that the person who might dress a child in this means to imply that the child will grow up and "Be your Edward", although, assuming the child is their own, they don't mean a sensual relationship, or, based on the books, even a jealous, stalking, brooding one. Either way, it's pretty weird.

Alternately, they could mean that the child as a baby will "Be your Edward", thereby essentially being what the adult, presumably the mother, is all-consumed by, which is also pretty creepy. Naturally all of this is a sentiment forced upon a unwitting child and may or may not have anything to do with vampires.

Ah, people do weird shit with their kids, all I can do is sit back and poke fun at them.

A question has arisen in comments: "So, you're going to see Eclipse, right? It's like a love/hate relationship?" It's mostly a hate/hate relationship, but for some reason, I can't tear myself away, hence two weeks of solid blogging about Twilight crafts and merchandising. Oh, I'll BE there, alright! With my own craft-tastic spin-offs! Stay tuned!

Twilight Amigurumi

I hate to poke fun at somebody's amigurumi, but will ya get a load of these guys? I think questionable choices were made in terms of Amigurumi Edward's white yarn body and his yellow eyes, but, if you ask me, his hair is not tousled enough! Jacob, of course, is shirtless, which is appropriate. No abs, I notice... The artist is not a Twilight fan and makes dolls based on lots of different movies, comics and pop culture - read more at Deadcraft.com. OMG, look at her Princess Leia!

Team this and that

The most common type of Twilight merchandizing seems to be of the "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" variety. These things are especially moronic because, if you've read the books, which I mostly have, you'll know that it's not really a contest between the two dudes, Edward "completes" Bella, as much as one soulless character can complete another soulless character. To reference a movie no Twi-hard is likely to have ever seen, it's like in Pretty in Pink where Duckie would clearly make the better boyfriend because he totally gets Andie and like, worships her, but, that dummy just goes for the spoiled rich guy who's all concerned about appearances and whatnot.

I've never actually SEEN any Twilight "Team" merchandise being worn in the wild but there's a HUGE amount of it online. Here's only one example which throws in a "Team Bella" just for good measure.



To me, even "Team Jolie" v. "Team Aniston" makes more sense than these Twilight teams, because, I guess you could be like, "Theoretically, I'm 'team Jolie' because you love who you love etc." or "Theoretically, I'm 'team Aniston' because it's just not cool to start dating someone's husband even if you supposedly DO have some insane animal attraction to them or whatever." But, say you're watching Pretty in Pink, and, while you're watching it, you're like, "I'm 'team' Duckie" but, by the time it's over, you're like, Oh, she goes with the rich guy, oh well, I'm going to go make a t-shirt that says "Team Duckie" or go on with my life?

There's also a huge amount of "Team Switzerland" nonsense, which is perhaps an extremely simplified view of foreign policy combined with the concept that someone chooses not to commit to either fiction character Edward or fiction character Jacob but rather to leave their options open, for example, if either fictional character were to somehow become animated and fall for the person in question. The person wearing a "Team Switzerland" button, for example.


PS. It turns out there is some "Team Duckie" shit out there.

Bella's Engagement RingTM

One of the oddest things about the Twilight novels is that Bella wants, more than anything, for Edward to change her into a vampire because she wants to be with him forever, like, literally. And, she gets really depressed on her birthday because he was made a vampire when he was 17 or something, and when she turns 17, she's like, OMG, I'm getting old, I can't stand for my bf to see me all old and disgusting and like, 20 years old. Gag.

So, anyway, he's like, Alright, I'll make you a vampire, but first we have to get married. And then she's like, Ewww. I don't really want to get married. It's so permanent. But he for realsies doesn't want to have sex until they get married, so eventually (spoiler) they get married.

And, naturally, he gives her an engagement ring, and don't you know that YOU can also buy Bella's Engagement RingTM and:

Experience your romance with Edward Cullen in a whole new way when you slip on Bella's Engagement RingTM! You'll love showing off the radiant stones in this elegant, domed-oval, gold ring. In true Victorian-era design, your ring is created by master artisans with an open-work gallery and a finely polished edge that surrounds the brilliant faceted stones. How exciting for you to own the only, Original, Bella's Engagement RingTM in the world! We are pleased to offer this beautiful ring in three versions to suit your style and pocketbook: Fashion, Fine, and Genuine. The three versions have the same stunning appearance; they are just made of different materials. Additionally, we are happy to present this classic ring in two colors, yellow or white gold. The ring that Edward gave to Bella is described as gold, so if you want your ring to be exactly like Bella's, order Yellow Gold; or if you prefer the silver or white-gold look, order White Gold.

Fashion Ring: Price $59.00/Sale Price $35.00

You heard it right, that's a gold-plated ring with 13 "fine Russian CZs" that is somehow also the only, original, Bella's Enagement RingTM in the world. It is widely agreed that this is one of the ugliest rings ever made in human history. Common lore has it that Stephanie Meyer designed it herself, and you know she's got great taste. Congratulations!

silliest cross-stitch project, ever

This is self-proclaimed as the "silliest cross-stitch project, ever" by its maker, who made it to mortify a friend. I have a fondness for smart-ass cross stitch, so I want to make it clear that I'm laughing with this crrrrafter, not at her. There are some funny comments on her blog post about alternate quotes.



And here's another Twilight item of which I fully approve:

These books are really dumb, as I've said many times, but I don't really give a shit if it means a couple of kids (or adults) read a book when they normally wouldn't. It's for sale at the ALA for $16.

This one doesn't even make sense

Why?

I don't get this one, especially the fish. It sort of reminds me of Twilight fan fiction which I have only, ehem, heard about, mind you. Where like, people, mostly teenagers, as far I can tell, from what I have heard, of course, write long, involved stories about Edward and Bella in alternate universes where Edward's not even a vampire but he's like, a merman or something. I certainly, you know, don't know that much about it! The very idea is ridiculous. It's not like I've spent hours reading it or anything. I mean, I've just HEARD about this stuff! STOP STARING AT ME!

My Little Vampire

The continuation of Twilight merchandising will continue until the movie opens next week (or you all beg me to stop because you can't take it anymore!)

But, I think you can take it. I mean, I posted about a LIFE-SIZE Edward silhouette and nobody said boo. Uhm, hello? Now I bring you: Ponys + Edward Cullen = HappyfuntimeexcitementSQEE!

I like watching you sleep

One of the most amusing Twilight merchandising items I've ever seen is this life-size, vinyl silhouette of Edward that you're meant to put in your bedroom. Cause, like, in the first book, Edward sneaks into Bella's room and "watches her sleep", unbeknownst to her. Purportedly to make sure she's "safe" (from creepy predators?) or some shit. It is merely one of the many anti-feminist aspects of the book that make me want to pull my hair out.

Well, wait no longer if you desire a creepy, silent, skulking male-figure to leer over you as you sleep! Three things come to mind when I look at this:

1. What happens when you wake up in the middle of the night and forget it's there? Srsly.

2. What sleeping partner would tolerate this?

3. LOVE the carefully disheveled hair!

It's time to make fun of shit

Soooooo, the next Twilight movie opens next week and I thought it would be amusing to blog about all the dopey Twilight shit I've been noticing online lately. It's slightly less depressing than the oil spill, right?

The first item is this DIY Twilight Clock, complete with instructions, as if

1. Hack Twilight images with child scissors
2. Haphazardly glue to a paper plate
3. Stab clock mechanism in the middle-ish
4. Congratulations, you have a shitty clock!

was not enough.

F.I.B.s

This weekend we went up to a Wisconsin for a friend's wedding - it was really beautiful and fun. The reception was held at The Family Farm - a petting barn, so we did some heavy petting before the reception, which featured a marvelous un-stuffy dinner of pulled pork and potato salad, which we gobbled up after being be-bibbed by the bride's mother.
M & M stay clean
After the wedding we stayed at at lovely little B&B in Cedar-Something, WI. It's a real cute little town whose entire socio-economic system seems to be completely built upon bakeries and candy shops. It also had approximately 3 Lutheran churches per square mile. I fear there are not enough hungry people to keep this town in business. Also Lutherans are notorious spendthrifts. Why buy a fancy truffle that was probably made by papists when you could make something jest as good with that frozen cookie dough at the Piggly Wiggly? So.

In ten years, I predict the town will be revived for a third time as a llama destination or something, and they'll give tours like this: "Cedar So-and-So started out as a mill-town that suffered an economic collapse at the advent of mass transportation and the preponderouslessness of the railroad car. In the early aughts it was revived into a bakery and chocolatier economy, which ultimately failed due to rising levels of diabetes and obesity, not to mention intense pressure from local Lutheran groups who believed the town was "putting on airs" with its Belgian chocolates and its Italian coffee. For years, Cedar ___ was little more than a ghost town, until a number of local llama farmers propelled the town from obscurity to world-class wool production. Or maybe alpacas." ¡Cuidado! ¡Ay Llamas!
Does anybody else remember this awesome bit on Sesame Street called "Me and My Llama"? It's about this kid who takes her llama to the dentist (in NYC for some reason?) Anyway, it's like, the best song you'll ever hear about a girl who takes her llama to the dentist. So, like, this llama was really grouchy and hissing and spitting (this is the wedding reception llama, not the Sesame Street thing), but later, he seems to warm up to me. And s/he* let me scratch it's head, and then. And Then! The llama put it's head very close to my head and it's fuzzy face-yness rubbed against my face, and I like to think he was whispering to me, "You're my true companion." My actual companions said s/he was probably just thinking about biting my ear.
A tiny baby miniature horse that resisted
being held in my arms like the tiny little baby it is. ):
But these sheep, these sheep were eating out of my hand.
*Honestly, I don't know the sex of the llama, but it was recently pointed out to me that most people assume all animals are male, which is kind of dumb, right?

Bons Mots

I had another not-so-great weekend because that cold I had last weekend reared its ugly head again. But, I'm always happy when I've got my one true love by my side, so it wasn't so bad. We watched a marathon of Californication, which I think is really hot, and is also encouraging me to curse even more than I do already. *gasp*

M and I went to see MicMacs: à Tire-Larigot. It's a new film by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, City of Lost Children...) It's not as terrific as Amelie or City of Lost Children, but it's still pretty awesome, and we had a good time. The lead, Dany Boon, is a fantastic physical actor and comedian, who reminded me a lot of Rowan Atkinson and Roberto Benini. Incredible sets. The title translates to something like Shenanigans all the Time. It's about a man who joins this kind of rag-tag group of folks and together they try to take down a weapons manufacturer and a bullet-manufacturer. Dirty business. As in Amelie, Jeunet makes the film at once very old fashioned and very current. One of the characters loves proverbs and my french is just not so great to catch them all, but I know they weren't all directly translated, which is a shame. (I also love proverbs, in fact, I have a very good book of French ones if you do too called Les Bons Mots: How to Amaze Tout Le Monde with Everyday French.)

Husband made all my dreams come true and got me a hammock stand, now our backyard is something of a suburban wonderland, requiring only health and consistent sunshine to make it complete.

War with the Newts

Last night I saw a fantastic play produced by Next Theatre: War With the Newts, directed by Jason Loewith. My theatre-going-pal, M, is a fan of his and I'm so glad she invited me to this show! It was a really remarkable production.

The play is based on the 1936 book by Karel Capek, whose name Husband not only easily pronounced but also had some familiarity with his œuvre. (It turns out this guy invited the word "robot" back in 1921 in his book R.U.R. Rossum's Universal Robots. Yo. He knows that shit. I love him.) In the story, people discover and quickly learn to exploit this race of newts (or salamanders). And, then... the newts fight back!

Next Theatre employs a number of theatrical elements to tell the story, like puppets and slides and video, but rather than letting those things run away with the show (as they often do) it was really elegantly done. The art direction was stunning - it's amazing what they did to create mood and atmosphere. Deceptively simple set design. Really terrific performances by all.

The story is SO topical - exploitation of the sea (hello, oil crisis), capitalism run amok, disregard for well-being of others, alas, those universal themes are still hanging around our necks today. (Lately I had cause to marvel about how these "old" stories are surprisingly relevant today, and then I got surprised at my own surprise - human drama hasn't changed that much since Plato started writing.) I encourage you to check it out if you're in the Chicago area...