If Caitlin Picked the Oscars

Sweetkealoha is one of my best friends and fellow connoisseur of pop culture and all things Reality TV and TV Reality Competition-ry. She's currently performing in the hilarious Rogue 8. -Special K
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It is with great joy and trembling anticipation that I sit down to write this. Any minute now inspiration will strike and I will regale you with my expertise in the field of all things Oscar. Like, oh, This! Helen Mirren . . . right? Now that is one good looking older lady! Hello! I saw about 17 minutes of the Elizabeth thingie on one of our 18 HBOs -- wait, is she nominated for that, or was that the Golden Globes? Okay, let's skip Helen. How 'bout them Dreamgirls? Beyonce? Eh? Anybody?

Okay! I give! Uncle. Here's the reality of the situation: I have been too busy living* to watch movies. I only saw like 4 movies in the theater this year, and one of them was X Men 3! And speaking of X3, WTF was that? The only thing that would have made that movie worse would have been me having violent, uncontrollable bleeding of the eyes. Thankfully, I left the theater physically intact. A little emotionally bruised, but no worse than when I accidentally watched The View From Clausen's Pier on Lifetime, the channel for women.

But I digress. It's Oscar picks you're wanting, and all the stalling in the world isn't going to change the fact that I am wildly unqualified for this project...or am I? I believe it was some dead white dude who said "All the world's a stage/the men and women grossly overexposed with too much money and time on their hands" or something to that end. With that in mind, I give you: CAITLIN'S OSCAR PICKS 2006!

BEST ACTRESS
As always, this is a very competitive category. 2006 saw Katie Holmes inexplicably have Tom Cruise's baby and then, even more confoundingly MARRY Tom Cruise, and in perhaps the most baffling move of all: befriend Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. What is up with that? Posh?!? She is a horrible bug woman who is just biding her time before mating with all of us and then eating our heads. Now Becks I can see. He is hot, in a football-y** kinda way. Also a contender, our girl Britney Spears who spawned yet again, and then, predictably divorced K-Fed. Good movie, but a little long, and such a Hollywood ending. In the end, I have to give it up for Tyra Banks, our very own Top Model, with her ever-expanding waist line and ego. Will Tyra Banks please step forward? Tyra, your semi-psychotic episodes -- and I do mean episodes of Tyra (her talk show, y'all) -- make you my pick for America's Next caitlin'spickforbestactress.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Baby Suri? Baby Shiloh? Baby Suri? Baby Shiloh? Ummmm....Baby Suri, I guess. Yeah. Either her or Baby Shiloh. One of them.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Remember the time that Mel Gibson got caught drink driving and called the arresting LADY officer Sugar Tits (or something equally yicky) all the while railing against Jewish people? Well, the only reason that he is winning best SUPPORTING actor rather than having top billing, is because he blamed it all on Alcoholism, making him merely a pawn in this THEATER OF LIFE!

BEST ACTOR
Faint of heart, turn away now! What I am about to write is not for the wholesome minded. My pick (prick?) for best actor is Colin Farrell's penis. Anyone who sat through his horrific, gut roiling homemade porno knows what I am talking about.

BEST MOVIE
Oh gosh, there are so many good ones out there. Colin Farrell's horrific, gut roiling homemade porno for one! I guess that my pick has to be those home movies that Anna Nicole Smith made for her website and then allowed you to watch for like, $5 a pop. But only because she died! She's like a modern day whatshisname ummmm . . . Robert Altman. Yep.

My thanks to the Academy, and Special K.

*sitting around in my underpants and watching TV.
**British for soccer-y