1st Installment: What's In My Garden?

I spent my first day mucking about in the garden - the previous owner planted a ton of perennials and the yard is just FULL of ... stuff. I have no idea what half of it is. Crocuses I recognize - and my mom's fave - Hens and Chicks.

I met a few elderly neighbors who were very nice but immediately chastised me for having neither a dog nor a birdbath.

There's a gigantic compost pile, which I tried to move to a less-obtrusive part of the yard. My friend C. had a nightmare that it rose up like the Swamp Thing and tried to attack her. I moved about half of it, and learned a few lessons:

1. Yard work is really hard
2. Crocs aren't good shoes to do yard work in
3. I'm gonna need a wheelbarrow

But, it felt great, getting my hands dirty in my very own yard, and I'm really excited about the good times that lay ahead. Hopefully times that will involve more margaritas and less sweat and dirt.

Without further ado, I give you: What's In My Garden? Seriously, I have no idea.

These are very sweet, I love them. That's a limestone sculpture I made in college.


This one is very scary looking. I almost ripped it out of the ground and stomped on it.

The Namesake

Recently saw The Namesake with Kal Penn, who I have a big crush on. I read the book (Jhumpa Lahiri) after it came out. Lahiri is an extremely competent writer, but I find her work kind of forgetable - like, while I was watching the movie, it was all new to me. Penn is billed as the lead, but it's really two fabulous Indian actors that steal the show. Irfan Khan and Tabu play Penn's (Gogol Ganguli) parents, Ashoke and Ashima Ganguli - in roles that are outrageously sensitive and demanding. Their connection is nearly indescribable, and I really can't think of the last time I've seen two actors form such an emotional bond. They're basically anyone's dream parents, who tolerate their young, somewhat rebellious children through their awkward phases while creating a new live for themselves in the United States. There's a great scene in the movie (and the book) where Ashima slips on Ashoke's shoes before she meets him (their parents arrange a meeting and he's waiting in the other room). Lahiri writes something like she tries on his shoes like she's trying on his life. Literally standing in his shoes, she discerns his character, and has enough confidence and courage to leave her family in India and move with him to NY. While Gogol's going through this awful teenager-period, Ashoke and Ashima patiently wait for him to stop being an asshole, with complete trust that he'll turn out ok. Penn's character goes through this type of transformation - from dorky teenager to (totally hot) post-collegiate architect. Those who avoided the stoner-flick Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle might be surprised by how admirably he handles this "serious" role, but anyone who has seen it knows that movie is a bit more than that-movie-where-Doogie-Howser-does-blow-off-a-chick's-ass.

The Namesake is beautiful in the same what that Mira Nair's Monsoon Wedding (one of my fave films) was - both movies share themes of the Indian diaspora as well as relations between multiple generations. I'd really recommend it to just about anyone - it's a really, really beautiful film.

More dining room

Here's a pic of the other side of the dining room. I suppose we're going to hang something on that wall there but haven't decided what yet - possibly my print of The Kiss, which I love.

You can see more of our dining room table, which I made myself and am rather proud of. Well, I made the top and then just fitted it over our old, crappy, small table. It's almost too big for this room, but I think it will be ok.

Design Remix

My mom came up for a few days and today we painted the dining room. Here's a "before"

and here's the "after"

I don't love the picture of our "after" because it makes the wall color looks kind of boring, but it's actually a really beautiful shade called "Chocolate Froth" that looks like, as my friend C. said, "a coffee milkshake."

Here's another goofy picture of us on the front stoop. The garden is just starting to sprout little buds, it will be very exciting to see what comes up! I'll post pictures of the kitchen as soon as we finish hanging all the cabinets and put the knobs on!

I just love the jokes that come with home improvement. I haven't stopped talking about caulk since we moved in. Then we bought a studfinder - hilarious. Unparalleled joy to discover the screw on the new sconces we installed was called... a nipple!

Life Camp

Last night I saw Janice Dutts Goes To Life Camp at the Factory Theatre. It's written by a friend, Laura McKenzie, who is also the lead. It's in the same vein as McKenzie's Funk Cloud: Fight the Stank! from a few years ago - dealing with alienation and media overload/desensitization. Laura's a great writer, and I really loved parts of her play, especially the songs and dances - although in a way it really depressed me. It's about this women who finds herself at a "Life Camp" being manipulated by a Life Coach and a bunch of idiots who show her how to "make connections." I just thought, Gee, there's two kinds of people in this world, people who Get It and people who Don't Get It, and we're all doomed.

You know when someone's talking to you, and they're an idiot, and you're like, staring daggers at them, and you're giving them nothin', but they keep going, and they're like, saying your name over and over again, and they clearly just got out of a week-long seminar on how to "close"? Ugh! Those people just Don't Get It! Well, I had a recent icky experience with just such a mattress salesman, so I'm all embittered. But I do love my new bed.

San Francisco Heroines

Via Feministing, this incredible story of a waitress and a bartender in a Noe Valley bar who busted a guy who slipped a mickey in his date's drink. The two women quickly found a way to remove the drink from the table (and save it as evidence) and also notify the woman about what was happening. Outrageously, while one of the women was telling the victim what had happened, he tried to do it again! When they confronted him, he tried to blow the whole thing over by offering to buy them all a drink (uh, HELLO?) and then get his date to leave. The bartender said (this is so awesome), "Your date's over, mister. She's staying with us." YEA! Reading that story was a great way to start my day.

In other news (not so inspiring), a report on the Smithsonian museums reveals that the institution is failing in many ways. The committee (comprised of directors from major museums around the country, including my own alma matar) stated that the Smithsonian “ought to comprise the most stimulating place in the country to explore the fascinating and complex issues of national history and national identity as manifested by the American visual imagination.” This report seems to indicate that direction might be taken to turn the Smithsonians into just such an organization, which would be really amazing. I love visiting DC and walking along the mall, going in and out of all the buildings, but, with a few exceptions (like the Peacock Room in the Freer) the collections are not the most inspiring in the country. Most disturbing about this report is that the Freer is suffering from some physical problems and there are leaks in the basement. I can't understand how that has been allowed to continue. For the most part, the problems at the Smithsonian seem related to funding, which is no surprise - our government just doesn't support the Arts.

Engagement with art – with the product of someone else's imagination – can change your life, often for the better, and sometimes profoundly. -Max Wyman

Hello!

By the way, how to I make a post to CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com a week ago and nobody says boo?

Home Sweet Home

Thank the Gods, we had a painless move into our house over the weekend. I was really dreading it, because the last time we moved, it was like we were babysitting grizzly bears who manhandled our stuff. We could only watch in horror as they broke our precious belongings, then charged us a ton of cash for the experience. M. says it was like babysitting convicts, but we've had convict movers before, and they were fabulous.

We've just been unpacking boxes and trying to get settled. I'm navigating a new train line (I used to be a Red Line girl, now I'm Purple.) As I was unpacking the bathroom, I was getting a bit frustrated, because everything wasn't fitting, and then I remembered, "OMG! I have a whole OTHER bathroom!" Awesome. Parking the car in the garage and bringing in groceries was a dream. You know what I do if I'm hot or cold? I just adjust the thermostat! Incredible. I've never known such luxuries.

Help End Global Warming

On March 21st, Al Gore will testify before Congress on the immediate action that needs to be taken to end the climate crisis. Add your name to the list of citizens that stand behind him.

Packing

We're moving this weekend, and I'm trying to pack up the rest of our stuff. It's laborious and painful, but I just keep thinking that this will be our last move for a while, and that we're moving into our very own, sweet and freshly painted house. And life there will be wonderful. Do you know that I have moved 13 times in the last 15 years? Check it out:

1992: moved to Bangladesh for 7 months
1993: moved to first dorm room in college
1994: moved to first apartment sublet with A.
1994: moved back to dorms
1995: moved to summer sublet (with J, M, B)
1995: moved to first apartment (A & J)
1996: moved to studio apt. by self
1997: moved to 1st San Francisco apt
1998: moved to 2nd SF apt
2000: moved to 3rd SF apt
2003: moved to Chicago
2005: apt. went condo, moved to 2nd Chi apt
2007: this move

That sucks! I'm seriously sick of packing up my entire life every year! Well, I gotta get back to it...

We're the Watchdogs

I remember as a kid being taught that in the Soviet Union they didn't have freedom of speech, and scientists and scholars might be killed or threatened for speaking the truth. And it was instilled in me how lucky we are to live in the US where we can criticize the government all we want and face neither harm nor imprisonment (although several of my friends spent a night in jail for doing just that.) Then it was a bit confusing, because, rather suddenly, it seemed like Russians were the pals of the US, and all was forgotten.

I only mention that because I love irony and there's nothing more ironic than living in a police state in America, is there? Not only does it appear that they're still killing outspoken journalists in Moscow, but the Bush Administration is hot on the heels of scientists and activists in the US. From the "inappropriate" firings of 8 US Attorneys from our hack of an Attorney General's office to these ridiculous memos telling biologists not to mention GLOBAL WARMING at a conference entitled "Gee, Why Are All The Polar Bears Dying?" it's not difficult to find daily examples of just how our civil liberties are at risk every day. (Read copies of the memos - click on FWS Polar Bear 1 and 2).

Sign up for the mailing list of the National Resources Defense Council - to receive updates and petitions and to stay abreast of the laws that effect our environment. And, of course, you'll want to sign up for True Majority as well if you haven't already.

Kitler

This weekend we had a marathon painting session at our new house. My mom was a huge help - she's a master of all things interior and came up to teach us a bunch of neat painting tricks and help us bang out three rooms in one day! (Also had some great help from friends DeBordian Perruque and Sweetkealoha - THANKS GUYS!) I'll post some before and after shots soon, if you don't see them first in Architectural Digest (it looks that good!) Everything looks so great, and I'm really inspired to knock out the rest of the house soon. We picked a very daring bright green for the kitchen, which, initially applied resembled yellow highlighter. I was thinking, "Honeydew is a honey-DON'T!" hahaha (I couldn't help myself!) But, it mellowed. It looks like a shiny granny smith apple in there.

Last night we watched Stranger than Fiction. I liked the beginning a lot, and I loved the GUI interface-like thing (it was made by this company called MK12 - I really dig their aesthetic - it's like a really sophisticated version of this) but I thought the ending was a little weak. I mean, what it essentially came down to was whether life is more important than art, and, to me, it's a stupid question. And, although radiant, as usual, I couldn't figure out what purpose Queen Latifa's character filled. There are a couple of interesting extras on the dvd - one about the aforementioned GUI, and another about Chicago. I only realized the film took place in Chicago when Will Farrell's character ran through Daly Plaza by the Picasso, and I was like, "I didn't know there was a matching statue in NY!" It was interesting, because usually Chicago movies show the same ol' landmarks, but this movie chose really interesting locations and showed a whole different side of the city.

Our 10 year old television rather inconveniently played it's last ANTM last week, never to return (it was like "No... more... Tyra...") Now we're trying to figure out how to recycle a tv in Chicago (anyone?) but NOT, btw, missing any tv, since everything's online anyway! Awesome! Check out Andy Barker, PI - there are like 4 episodes online. If the cancellation of Arrested Development left an aching hole in you, prepare to have it filled (and, Buster's in it! Also Fake Francy, from Alias. Back when it was good. Mike says to me, why Fake Francy, why not just Francy? But, I don't know, she looks more like Fake Francy to me.) And, if that doesn't do it for you... how about: Cats that Look Like Hitler ("Kitler"?) and Cats in Sinks.

1. Cut a hole in a box

Oh yeah, I got sidetracked on the introduction of a crucial new human to the world, and forgot to blog about two celebrity sightings I had in LA and one funny anecdote. (I love anecdotes.) We went to see the new Damien Hirst show at the Gagosian Gallery in Beverly Hills and there was this dude hanging out at the receptionist's desk, who I only noticed because I was also kind of hanging out at the desk reading the catalogues on his work. And I was all thinking to myself, "Who are these douchbags who go to shows and then don't even LOOK at the art?!?" Later that afternoon I was doing some web research to find out if Hirst actually constructed these butterfly pieces himself (he doesn't) and I came across his photo. Guess who? Ugh! So, it turns out I'm a douchbag.

We left the gallery and had lunch at this little diner down the street and my sister leans in and says, "Dude from the Oh See, three o'clock." And I'm all, "Please! Like I watch the OC." But I did watch Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (and, God help me, To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday.)

I made the dubious choice of showing my parents a certain video featuring a certain box and that set off a horrible chain reaction of my parents referring willy-nilly to any and all personal anatomy as "junk." This proved mortifying many times over the course of my trip and my sister's pregnancy as you might imagine.

Fate!

Despite promising myself I wouldn't do it, tonight I settled in front of the tv and prepared to toggle back and forth between America's Next Top Model and American Idol. My sister got me vaguely interested in the (women on) American Idol, much to my chagrin. But, some mighty force stepped in a caused our television to break about 10 minutes into each show. It was a fate.

There's an interview with Tyra in Feb. Vanity Fair wherein she claims that "Daytime Tyra" (AKA: Tyra of the Tyra Banks Show) is the "real" Tyra, while "Nighttime Tyra" (of ANTM) is "a character." So, pay attention. This is the Real Tyra:

And this is a character named Tyra, played by Tyra:


After the dollar coins came out, I got a few at the bank because I wanted to look at them. Tonight, M. says to me, "Do you still have those dollar coins?"
and I say, "One." and he says, "Get it." Turns out, some of the coins have flaws and they're worth ... more than a dollar. I almost spent my last one on coffee today, then I thought, "Nah, I might want to look at it some more." And I actually paid for my coffee with a bunch of quarters, which I have not done for lo these many years because I habitually horde quarters for laundry. But now that we're homeowners, and, more importantly, washing and drying machine owners, I can break my old habit. Anyway, my dollar coin was perfect, and therefore worth only (approx.) US$1.

Movies, good and bad

This morning I watched Babel and last night I watched 2001's Iris - I'm going to write about Iris over on my book blog if you're interested in that. I thought it was really stunning and beautiful, while Babel was just another movie that's really depressing and therefore "deep" and "Oscar-worthy" apparently. God, I'm so sick of those movies (which is why If I Picked the Oscars ^TM, Borat would win.) Babel didn't show me anything I didn't already know, breifly outlined:

I hate guns

No one should handle guns, especially children

Mexican/American border relations are all cocked up

Brad Pitt is totally hot

In other news, I've finally set myself up with what I believe is called an RSS or an RRS or something. Anyway a certain husband kindly tested a few out himself and decided that Google Reader was a good one - if you read a lot of blogs, like me, you can set up the reader to list all new postings of the blogs you read, that way you don't have to go from blog to blog looking for new content.

Big week for two sisters

Wed. my sister and bro-in-law brought home a new baby, and that night I flew back to Chicago, and on Thursday M. and I closed on our house! What a week! I have to tell you, after watching a baby being born, handing over a huge check for a house wasn't as daunting as I thought it was going to be. The closing went very smoothly - we listened to the seller's realtor talk about her cats and her lawyer talk about sail boating in the Caribbean (apparently that's all very normal) and then we drove over to our house (our house! OMG!) joking about pot holes and how our property taxes must be going up some county official's nose. We walked around the empty rooms, dreaming about what color we were going to paint, speaking ambitiously about landscaping and shelving and wondering what day the trash goes out. We have a garage! With a garage door opener! And a refrigerator that makes ice! And the freezer door stays closed when you shut it! Then we went to our Local in Andersonville and - what else? Got drunk. ha.

Here's my sis bringing home baby:


Here they're introducing Murphy to the baby:


And this is hilarious - don't freak out, he's just yawning! BTW, we went by the book introducing Murphy to the baby - first I brought home the baby's clothes after he was born and let Murphy smell them so he would know the scent. Then I explained to him that he was going to be the Prince Harry to the baby's Prince William. And how like, you know how Harry has to go to Iraq? It might be like that for a while, but he was still really important and everyone loves him.



And here's the extended family.


and here's MY family in front of our new place:

So Proud

My sister gave birth yesterday to a beautiful boy - he's perfect in every way and I couldn't be more proud of my sister and her husband. Part of my sister, he feels like part of me, and I'm so excited about the future I'll share with my nephew.

Preparing

I've in LA for the past few days, waiting with my sister and brother-in-law for the baby to come. He's officially one day late now, but, I've always thought that whole "due date" thing was a scam. But my sister explained, yesterday on her due date, that for nine months you tell people that the baby's due on February 23rd, and you want to have the baby on February 23rd, dammit. I think I added the dammit. I'm developing a theory that these folk remedies for starting labor are completely worthless (I'm talking to you, the The Salad.)

In an effort to destract ourselves from other matters, we've been watching a couple of nominated movies - Venus, for which Peter O'Toole was nominated for Best Actor, and Jesus Camp, which is nominated for Best Documentary (give me a break, Al Gore's got that totally wrapped up.) Venus was beautifully made and has a tight story-line about a slightly lecherous elderly actor who becomes enamoured with a sort of gritty young woman with no goals (outside of "modelling") besides sitting on the couch and eating take-out. (Make that "take-away" - it's British.) O'Toole's character is fearless and cheerful, even when getting rebuffed by the young woman, he seems happy enough to be near a girl in a mini-skirt. It's a thoughtful and beautiful movie - I'd recommend it.

Last night we watched Jesus Camp, a documentary about Evangelical christian children and their indoctrination. Although it made us scream and shout and pause the movie so we could vent and rant, actually, it's not a very good documentary - it just follows a few of these extreme evangelical's around (with little explanation) and offers no commentary or altering points of view. The camp, which teaches a right-wing message of hate, anti-abortion, anti-homosexuality and creationism, did not, as far as the documentary showed, focus at all on the actual Bible, and what was most disturbing with interviews with the children in which they said they were soldiers, or "being trained" and seemed to have absolutely no idea what they were being trained for (except to "train others"!) What really chaps my ass about these extremists is that you don't have to scratch hard to expose the rampant hypocrisy that lies beneath, but those sorts of issues were not explored in the documentary. For example, the movie features Ted Haggard, a former mega-church leader who was accused of drug use and homosexuality and ousted from his church in disgrace. Sure, that happened after the film was released, but take half a look at that guy and you can tell he's hopped up on goofballs.

I find it hard to belief that anyone could watch this movie and not be disturbed by the images of very young children being manipulated like this - flopping around on the ground, crying hysterically and speaking in tongues (not to mention being forced to sit through hour-long sermons by a scatter-brained nincompoop who speaks only in mixed metaphors) but apparently the church's reaction to the documentary was not negative - for them, it's just a good representation of what they're all about. When challenged by a radio host that what they're doing is not "teaching" these young people but rather indoctrinating them, camp leader Becky Fischer was quick to agree that that was correct.

If DeBordian Perruque Picked the Oscars!

Devin is the final guest commentator of this week's Oscar Extravaganza! Long-time movie rate-er and blogger politico, D.'s your man if you wanna talk Russian history. I hope you've all enjoyed this week in If We Picked the Oscars (all six of you!) - Special K
__________

Thanks to Special K for hosting this event, and No thanks to me for seeing my fewest movies in a year since... I don't know... since I moved out of parents' house? So, my selection is pretty limited, having seen just three "good" movies (Little Miss Sunshine, Stranger than Fiction, and Brick) and lots of mediocre and terrible ones. I'll put it this way. Slither, Stick it, and Lady in the Water made my top ten for 2007 so far.

BEST ACTOR
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Brick
No, seriously. Joey Gordy-Levi's stoic turn made this teen film noir work. It couldn't've happened without his performance, which was fairly one-dimensional, but both important and functional. I have to say it was good to see Nathan Fillion's comic-tough guy schtick in Slither, too. But it was perhaps more impressive to see Gordon-Levitt's convincing performance given his long-running in-the-shadow-of-French-Stewart status.

BEST ACTRESS
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Stranger Than Fiction
Okay, her comic timing and acerbic sarcasm was very good. More importantly, this is not just the prettiest she's ever looked, it's the most accessible and understandable character she's ever played. Stranger than Fiction is, if not a beautiful film, certainly an aesthetically pleasing film, and Gyllenhaal's performance matches its changing moods precisely.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Steve Carrell, Little Miss Sunshine
His turn in Little Miss Sunshine as the suicidal Proust scholar deserves mention, even in a great ensemble performance. It's not a set-the-world-on-fire performance, but he owns the pain & humiliation that this character has heaped upon him. Also, his fight with Greg Kinnear's character halfway through the film was just one of the best of the many laugh-out-loud moments in a great movie.


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Wanda Sykes, My Super Ex-Girlfriend
Sure, Sykes was good in Over the Hedge and Clerks 2, but she raised eyebrows and elicited 90 minutes worth of "Oh, Snap!" "No, she Di'n't!" and "Daaaaaamn" in My Super Ex-Girlfriend. At least to listen to pasty-white red-head-goateed dude next us.

BEST FILM
Stranger than Fiction
If there's one film that expressed exactly how I feel about movie endings, it's this film. I thought that Stranger than Fiction captured a lot about life, art, and story-telling. Also, Little Miss Sunshine is fantastic film, and one that I would recommend to everyone. I have a really hard time not giving it top honors, but StF ekes it out as it is just a little more ambitious.

Bonus badness!

Award for Series Jumping the Couch: Mission Impossible 3
Worst threequel EVAH: X-Men 3, beating out Matrix 3
Worst career downturn of an actress I like: Alyson Hannigan in Date Movie
Worst Socratic fool role: Audrey Tautou's in Da Vinci Code
Worst I'm in ur internetz stealin ur soulz: Pulse
Worst revisiting of a Hero mythology: Superman Returns

If Caitlin Picked the Oscars

Sweetkealoha is one of my best friends and fellow connoisseur of pop culture and all things Reality TV and TV Reality Competition-ry. She's currently performing in the hilarious Rogue 8. -Special K
________

It is with great joy and trembling anticipation that I sit down to write this. Any minute now inspiration will strike and I will regale you with my expertise in the field of all things Oscar. Like, oh, This! Helen Mirren . . . right? Now that is one good looking older lady! Hello! I saw about 17 minutes of the Elizabeth thingie on one of our 18 HBOs -- wait, is she nominated for that, or was that the Golden Globes? Okay, let's skip Helen. How 'bout them Dreamgirls? Beyonce? Eh? Anybody?

Okay! I give! Uncle. Here's the reality of the situation: I have been too busy living* to watch movies. I only saw like 4 movies in the theater this year, and one of them was X Men 3! And speaking of X3, WTF was that? The only thing that would have made that movie worse would have been me having violent, uncontrollable bleeding of the eyes. Thankfully, I left the theater physically intact. A little emotionally bruised, but no worse than when I accidentally watched The View From Clausen's Pier on Lifetime, the channel for women.

But I digress. It's Oscar picks you're wanting, and all the stalling in the world isn't going to change the fact that I am wildly unqualified for this project...or am I? I believe it was some dead white dude who said "All the world's a stage/the men and women grossly overexposed with too much money and time on their hands" or something to that end. With that in mind, I give you: CAITLIN'S OSCAR PICKS 2006!

BEST ACTRESS
As always, this is a very competitive category. 2006 saw Katie Holmes inexplicably have Tom Cruise's baby and then, even more confoundingly MARRY Tom Cruise, and in perhaps the most baffling move of all: befriend Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. What is up with that? Posh?!? She is a horrible bug woman who is just biding her time before mating with all of us and then eating our heads. Now Becks I can see. He is hot, in a football-y** kinda way. Also a contender, our girl Britney Spears who spawned yet again, and then, predictably divorced K-Fed. Good movie, but a little long, and such a Hollywood ending. In the end, I have to give it up for Tyra Banks, our very own Top Model, with her ever-expanding waist line and ego. Will Tyra Banks please step forward? Tyra, your semi-psychotic episodes -- and I do mean episodes of Tyra (her talk show, y'all) -- make you my pick for America's Next caitlin'spickforbestactress.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Baby Suri? Baby Shiloh? Baby Suri? Baby Shiloh? Ummmm....Baby Suri, I guess. Yeah. Either her or Baby Shiloh. One of them.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Remember the time that Mel Gibson got caught drink driving and called the arresting LADY officer Sugar Tits (or something equally yicky) all the while railing against Jewish people? Well, the only reason that he is winning best SUPPORTING actor rather than having top billing, is because he blamed it all on Alcoholism, making him merely a pawn in this THEATER OF LIFE!

BEST ACTOR
Faint of heart, turn away now! What I am about to write is not for the wholesome minded. My pick (prick?) for best actor is Colin Farrell's penis. Anyone who sat through his horrific, gut roiling homemade porno knows what I am talking about.

BEST MOVIE
Oh gosh, there are so many good ones out there. Colin Farrell's horrific, gut roiling homemade porno for one! I guess that my pick has to be those home movies that Anna Nicole Smith made for her website and then allowed you to watch for like, $5 a pop. But only because she died! She's like a modern day whatshisname ummmm . . . Robert Altman. Yep.

My thanks to the Academy, and Special K.

*sitting around in my underpants and watching TV.
**British for soccer-y

If Otis Picked the Oscars

Today's special guest Oscar commentator is Otis - who came up with this whole "If We Picked the Oscars" idea lo those seven years ago. Otis has not seen a single new movie in the theatre this past year - but actually seeing movies has never been a prerequisite for "If We Picked the Oscars!" (TM) -Special K

________

Best Supporting Actor
Vibrations good like Sunkist
Many wanna know who done this
Marky Mark and I'm here to move you
Rhymes will groove you
And I'm here to prove to you
That we can party on the positive side
And pump positive vibes
So come along for the ride
Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation
So feel the vibration

Come on come on
Feel it feel it
Feel the vibration

HONORABLE MENTION:

My girl wants to party all the time
party all the time
party all the time

My girl wants to party all the time
party all the tiiiiiiiiiime
yeah

BEST ACTOR
We're doin' ninety in my mom's new Porsche
And to make this long story short, short
When the cop pulled me over, I was scared as hell
I said, "I don't have a license, but I drive very
well, officer!"

I almost had a heart-attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a 12 year old runaway!
I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

I can't believe it! I just made a mistake
Well, parents are the same, no matter time nor place
So tell you other kids all across the land
Take it from me, parents just don't understand

If Carrie Picked the Oscars

My first special guest for "If We Picked the Oscars" is my sister, Carrie. She's set, as they say, to pop, and I only hope she can wait until I get to California Tues. evening to have her baby. -Special K
______

Before I forget, let me thank The Academy... oh yeah, they forgot to send me my ballot this year. I do want to thank Special K for including me in this year's panel for "If we picked the Oscars." Considering I'm giving birth any day now, this may be the last year I will have seen so many of the official nominees. While I may have seen many of the nominated films and performances, it was generally a bummer year for me at the box office. Listen Hollywood, if you can't get me- someone who finished her master's program, teaches public school which comes with more than average time off, has a husband who travels a good deal of the year leaving her with her dog and loves to eat popcorn for lunch- out to the box office then you have a lot of explaining to do.

Never-the-less, here are my picks...

Best Actress
On this one, I am going to side with the real Academy and go with Ms. Mirren as The Queen. She gave me what I look for in all great performances- empathy. Kirsten Dunst did the same for Marie Antoinette (but she got to wear those beautiful clothes and eat chocolates during the whole filming- isn't that reward enough?). Both women made you feel for them in their situation and not judge their behavior or at least judge them from their vantage point which in both monarchies seemed rather limited.

Best Actor
I have only seen the performance of one actor in this category, and no one else stands out for me other than these five (again, Hollywood, come on!) so I'm going with Will Smith because I love him and have what my husband calls a jungle fever crush. The actual film, The Pursuit of Happiness was a let down lacking a strong supporting cast with anything to say or do, but it left my Will to shine and make this hormonal mommy-to-be cry cathartic tears more than once while sitting next to my snoozing husband.

Best Supporting Actress
Those girls from Babel are the trophy winners here- Adriana Barraza and Rinko Kikuchi. Although they are technically lead actresses in their own smaller segments of screenplay writer's (what's his name?) tell-tale style of movie narrative, they both knocked me out with their sensitive portrayals of confusion and loss leading to their heartbreak and, as a result, mine.

Best Supporting Actor
Here it has to be Alan Arkin in his warm and fuzzy Grandfather portrayal in Little Miss Sunshine. He made me smile the whole time. What more can I ask for?

Best Picture
This one goes to forgotten and largely unseen Miss Potter. I loved this film! I waited for it, saw it opening weekend and was not disappointed. For me, it gave me everything I want- period costumes (even a little gritty, grimy hair and shiny make-up-free skin in the fashion of Victorians), appropriate accents, literary foundation, love story, tears and a happy ending.

Best Documentary Short

I'd pick this documentary short by teenager Kiri Davis. It's a powerful seven minute film about racial issues faced by young women.

If Special K Picked the Oscars

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine
Arkin's gruff performance in Little Miss Sunshine was offset by the tenderness he showed his young granddaughter (Abigale Breslin, who is nominated for an Oscar herself). Honest, brutal and hilarious, I loved his character "with nazi bullets in [his] ass."

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada
Streep was actually nominated for Best Actress for her role in The Devil Wears Prada, but it was clearly a supporting role. Nevertheless, Streep brought a "leading lady" attitude to the part of this absolutely delish person - a boss that can turn your heart to stone with a withering glance. Streep's performance, an exercise in icy tyranny, is an absolute thrill to watch. By the way, I can't believe The Devil Wears Prada wasn't nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay - they worked miracles transforming one of the worst books ever written into a fun and smart movie.

BEST ACTOR
Will Farrell in Talladega Nights
I truly thought one of the best films of the year was Talladega Nights. Listen, I know from Nascar, those people, they're my people. By which I mean, I cannot escape them. Farrell easily could have relied on the stereotype of the god-fearing, consumer-obsessed, irresponsible, French-hating, red-stater to carry him through the movie. Instead, he (and co-star John C. Reilley) brought a level of commitment to this part that surpasses those too-easy characterizations (I'm looking at you, Eddy Murphy, and you should be ashamed of yourself). The Oscars rarely recognize the talent of comic actors, but the timing and commitment of Farrell cannot be denied (when I choose the Oscars!)

BEST ACTRESS
Kirsten Dunst, Marie Antoinette
With it's mixture of pop music and period dress, Marie Antoinette never claims to be a strict recreation of the 18th century court. Dunst's nuanced performance was a very contemporary approach to presenting the character of a bright, bored, filthy rich monarch, and it was glorious.

DIRECTOR
Martin Campbell for Casino Royale
I hear that the nominated films for the category of Best Director (and, come to mention it, Best Picture) are excellent films - worthy in scope, challenging, and topical - but I didn't watch those films. Gone are the days when K. will run out for any new movie, now careful analysis and market research must be first completed. "Will this movie's themes and images destroy the facade of peacefulness that K. has carefully formed in her fragile psyche?" I ask myself. For example, I have a "No Death Penalty Movies" clause that was enacted several years ago after watching Dancer in the Dark. I could only allow myself to see Marie Antoinette after verifying that she is not, in fact, beheaded in the movie. What I really enjoyed this year was Casino Royale - the latest Bond flick. It was a movie for movie-lovers (and, from what I hear, for Bond-lovers as well); it was topical in that it took advantage of our national interest in Texas Hold-em and it challenged to me to open my eyes to the hotness of British guys, however white and pasty they might be.

BEST MOVIE
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
If I Chose the Oscars (TM), I would go with Borat for best pic, with Little Miss Sunshine and Thank You for Smoking as close seconds (Aaron Eckhart, thank you for being HOT!) I was laughing - loud - at Talladega Nights and Little Miss Sunshine, but I was crying, holding my side and hugging strangers at Borat. A smart social satire, Borat at once points out the racism, classism and sexism of American society and at the same time lets us off the hook for it (because Borat himself is the worst offender). It's the sort of movie that sounds terrible when you explain it, but watching it is a nearly transcendental experience.

7th Annual "If We Picked the Oscars"!

Wow, I can't believe we're having the 7th Annual "If We Picked the Oscars"! You know, the actual Oscars have only been around for 79 years, so my friends and I are creating a little legacy of our own. I'm going to do an extravaganza week-long celebration of the Oscars, with posts by myself and Special Guests who will, I'm sure, regale you with their astute choices and complete disregard for the actual nominated films. Be sure to check in Monday-Friday and watch the Oscars yourself (in disbelief!) on Feb. 25!